What Happened Conversations Tips and Strategies

Move from Certainty to Curiosity

• Instead of asking yourself, “How can they think that?!” ask yourself “I wonder what information they have that I don’t?”
• Instead of asking “How can they be so irrational?” ask “How might they see the world such that their view makes sense?”
• Be curious about what you don’t know about yourself.
• Reflect on the way you have constructed your story. Understanding the origin of your story helps you to identify your implicit rules: rules that tell us how things ARE or how things SHOULD be.

Adopt the “And Stance”

• Don’t choose between two stories; embrace them both. This should not be heard as “Pretend both stories are right.” Rather it says something more like: Don’t pretend anything. Don’t accept or reject either story. Work to understand both.
• The world is complex. You can feel hurt, angry, and wronged AND they can feel just as hurt, angry and wronged.
• They can be doing the best job possible AND you can think that it’s not good enough.
• You may have done something stupid, AND they will have contributed in important ways to the ways to the problem as well.
• You can feel furious with them, AND you can also feel love and appreciation for them.

Don’t Assume They Meant It: Disentangle Intent from Impact

• Avoid the automatic leap from “I was hurt” to “You Intended to Hurt Me.”
  • Actions: “What did the other person actually say or do?”
  • Impact “What was the impact of this on me?
  • Assumption: “Based on this impact, what assumption am I making about what the other person intended?”
• Hold your view as a hypothesis.

• Share the impact on you: Inquire about their intentions
• Don’t pretend you don’t have a hypothesis
• Some defensiveness in inevitable.
• When your impact isn’t what you intended:
  • Listen to and acknowledge their feelings first.
  • Secondly try to explain your intentions
  • Be open to reflecting on the complexity of your intentions.

Avoid blame: Map the contribution system

• Don’t focus exclusively on your contribution, but starting there may open others up to looking at thiers.
• Express emotions appropriately, and do so without blaming.
• Exploring contribution is not blaming the victim; It’s blaming NO person.
• Recognize hard to spot contributions:
  • Avoiding until now.
  • Being Unapproachable.
  • Intersections: happening to be in the same place at the same time with different histories and worldviews.
  • Problematic Role Assumptions: This is what bosses (parents, kids, employees, etc.) are supposed to do.
• Role Reversal: “What would they say I’m contributing?”
• The Observer’s Insight: Imagine you were a consultant or outsider. How would you describe each person’s contribution in a neutral, nonjudgmental way.
• Map contribution by listing:
  • My contributions.
  • Their contributions.
  • Who else is involved?
• Taking responsibility for your contribution early opens the door for the other person to join in the process.
• Make your observations and reasoning explicit.
• Clarify what you would have them do differently.