Feelings Conversation Tips and Strategies

Find  Your Feelings: Learn Where Feelings Hide

• Explore your emotional footprint.
  • How did you your family handle emotions?
  • What feelings weren’t allowed when you were growing up?
  • Which feelings were easily expressed?
  • What was your role in the emotional life of the family?
  • What emotions do you now find easy to acknowledge and express and with whom?
  • Which do you find more difficult?
• Accept that feelings are normal and natural.
• Recognize that good people can have bad feelings.
• Recognize that their feelings are as important as yours and yours are important as theirs.
• Find the bundle of feelings behind simple labels

• Attributions and judgments can be all consuming, so find the feelings behind them. Saying, “I feel hurt when…” carries much less weight than:
  • Judgment: If they weren’t __________, they would listen better.
  • Attribution: Why were you trying to hurt me?
  • Characterization: You’re just so inconsiderate.
  • Problem-Solving: The answer is for you is to get your homework done.

Don’t Treat Feelings As Gospel: Negotiate with Them

• Negotiate with your feelings: Look at the thoughts behind them and decide if they really make sense. Our thoughts about our feelings can change the feelings.
• Don’t just vent: Describe feelings carefully and accurately.
• Don’t evaluate, just share.
• Express without judging or attributing blame.
• Don’t monopolize: Both sides can have strong feelings at the same time.
• Remember to say “I feel…” It avoids judging or accusing.
• Be sure to acknowledge other’s feelings.
  • Don’t just hear them and then jump right into problem solving.
• Sometimes feelings are all that matter.
  • Misunderstood or undisclosed feelings can sometimes be the only thing that is making a conversation difficult.
  • Sometimes there is a lot of relationship or job related work to do that still has to go on. Even so, communicating effectively—about feelings or the problem—will be critical.