Creating a Learning Conversation Tips and Strategies

What’s Your Purpose?: Decide if you should raise it or let it go.

• To Raise or not to Raise: How to Decide?
  • Three conversations that don’t makes sense.
    • Is the real conflict inside you?
    • Is there a better way to address the issue than talking about it?
    • Do you have purposes that make sense?
      • Remember you can’t change other people.
      • Don’t focus on short term relief at long-term cost.
      • Don’t hit-and-run.
    • Letting Go
      • Adopt some liberating Assumptions
        • It’s not my responsibility to make things better; It’s my responsibility to do my best.
        • They have limitations too.
        • The conflict is not who I am.
        • Letting go doesn’t mean I no longer care.
      • If You Raise It: Three Purposes That Work
        • Learning Their Story
        • Expressing Your Views and Feelings
        • Problem Solving Together

Getting Started: Begin from the Third Story

• Think like a mediator
  • Not yours, not theirs, third person
  • Not right or wrong, better or worse—just different
• Be curious.
• If they step into their story, you can still move into third story.

Extend and Invitation

• Describe Your Purposes
• Invite, Don’t Impose
• Make Them Your Partner in Figuring It Out
• Be Persistent
• Follow this map for exploring the three stories:
  • Third Story
  • Their Story
  • Your Story
    • Explore where each story comes from.
    • Share the impact on you.
    • Take responsibility for your contribution.
    • Describe feelings.
    • Reflect on the identity issues.

Learning, Listen from the Inside Out

• Listening Transforms the Conversation
  • Listenint to them helps them listen to you.
• The Stance of Curiosity: How to Listen from the Inside Out
  • Forget the words, focus on authenticity.
  • The commentator in your head: Become more aware of your internal voice.
    • Don’t turn it off, turn it up.
  • Managing Your Internal Voice
    • Negotiate your way to curiosity.
    • Don’t listen: Talk. Tell your internal voice what you want it to do.
  • Three Skills: Inquiry, Paraphrasing, Acknowledgment
    • Inquire to Learn
      • Don’t make statements disguised as questions.
        • “Are we there yet?”
      • Don’t use Questions to Cross-Examine
        • “Sure you agree…”
        • “If it’s true…how do you explain…?”
      • Ask Open Ended Questions
        • “Tell me more.”
        • “Help me understand.”
      • Ask for more concrete Information.
        • “Can you give me an example?”
        • “What would that look like?”
        • “How would that work?”
      • Ask questions about the three conversations.
        • Can you say a little more about how you see things?
        • What information might you have that I don’t?
        • How do you se it differently?
        • What impact have my actions had on you?
        • Can you say a little more about why you think this is my fault?
        • Were you reacting to something I did?
        • How are you feeling about all of this?
        • Say more about why this is important to you.
        • What would it mean to you if that happened?
      • Make it safe for them to not answer.
    • Paraphrase for Clarity
      • Check your understanding.
      • Show That you’ve heard.
    • Acknowledge their feelings.
      • Answer the invisible questions.
        • Are my feelings okay?
        • Do you understand them?
        • Do you care about them?
        • Do you care ab out me?
      • How to acknowledge.
        • It sounds like you’re really upset about this.
        • This seems really important to you.
        • If I were in your shoes, I’d probably feel _________ too.
      • Order Matters: Acknowledge before problem-solving.
      • Acknowledging is not agreeing.
    • Empathy is a journey, not a destination.

Expression: Speak for Yourself with Clarity and Power

• Orators Need Not Apply
• You’re Entitled (Yes, You)
  • No more, but no less: We all deserve dignity and respect.
  • Beware of Self-Sabotage: Don’t half-try to justify your failure.
  • Failure to express yourself keeps you out of the relationship.
  • Feel entitled, feel encouraged, but don’t feel obligated.
    • You’re entitled to express yourself, but you are not obligated.
  • Speak to the heart of the matter
    • Start with what matters most.
    • Say what you mean, don’t make them guess.
      • Don’t rely on subtext.
        • Honey, there’s really a lot to be done around the house this weekend.
        • Is golf so important that you need to play it this often?
        • Honey, you are simply playing too much golf!
      • Avoid easing in.
    • Don’t make your story simplistic: Use the “Me-Me” And
      • I do think you are bright and talented, AND I think you’re not working hard enough.
      • I feel badly for how rough things have been for you, AND I’m feeling disappointed in you.
      • I’m upset with myself for not noticing that you were so lonely, AND I also was having problems during that time.
    • Telling your Story with Clarity: Three Guidelines
      • Don’t present your conclusions as THE Truth
      • Share where your conclusions come from.
      • Don’t exaggerate with “always” and “never”. Give them room to change.
    • Help Them Understand Your
      • Ask them to paraphrase back.
      • Ask how they see it differently—and why.

Problem Solving: Take the Lead

• Reframe, Reframe, Reframe
  • You can reframe anything
    • This is the truthàDifferent Stories
    • AccusationsàIntentions and Impact.
    • BlameàContributions
    • Judgments, characterizationsàFeelings
    • What’s wrong with youàWhat’s going on with them
  • The “You-Me” And
    • I can understand what you have to say, AND you can listen and understand what I have to say.
  • It’s Always the Right Time to Listen
    • Be persistent about listening.
  • If You Keep Hitting Road Blocks, Name the Dynamic: Make the Trouble Explicit
  • How What? Begin to Problem-Solve
    • It Takes Two to Agree
    • Gather Information and Test your Perceptions
      • Propose crafting a test.
      • Say what is missing.
      • Say what would persuade you.
      • Ask what (if anything) would persuade them.
      • Ask their advice.
    • Invent Options
    • Ask What Standards Should Apply
      • The principle of mutual caretaking
    • If You Still Can’t Agree, Consider Your Alternatives

Putting It All Together

1. Step One: Prepare by walking through the three conversations.
2. Step Two: Check your purposes and decide whether to raise it.
3. Step Three: Start From the Third Story
4. Step Four: Explore Their Story and Yours
5. Step Five: Problem Solving